Once, when I was a young, starry-eyed elementary-schooler, the word “green” made me think of just one thing. Green was a crayon. Green was used to color grass. Green was also commonly used to color in foliage of any type. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. Green means so much more.
You see, back in those days, the world was a twisted and backwards place, before Jesus was elected President of the United States, and if anyone mentioned the phrase “going green” it could mean only two things: one) that you were about to be sick; or two) that you were becoming the Hulk. Now, though, in grander, more promising times, its most commonly used to describe putting spiral-shaped fluorescent light bulbs throughout your humble abode to conserve energy.
“Going green” may sound plausible, but before you go out to
You see, back in those days, the world was a twisted and backwards place, before Jesus was elected President of the United States, and if anyone mentioned the phrase “going green” it could mean only two things: one) that you were about to be sick; or two) that you were becoming the Hulk. Now, though, in grander, more promising times, its most commonly used to describe putting spiral-shaped fluorescent light bulbs throughout your humble abode to conserve energy.
“Going green” may sound plausible, but before you go out to
purchase those bulbs that resemble severed pigs’ tails, you should know that it’s all a huge, government planned conspiracy, named only for the greenish tinge fluorescent lighting gives to all faces. How, you ask? Read on.
It’s a commonly known fact that fluorescent lighting is the least flattering for anyone’s face. (Unless of course you’re Michael Jackson under a blacklight.) Underneath a fluorescent light bulb, the beautiful become hideous, and the hideous become… more hideous. Here’s where the conspiracy comes in. By advertising and recommending these fluorescent light bulbs, it’s quite obvious that the government wants everyone in the United States to loathe themselves. And once you cease to love yourself that only leaves room for one person… Jesus.
Once all typical light bulbs are replaced with the imposters, and all of the people are distracted watching Barack Obama turn water into wine and spend tons of money that doesn’t even exist, the government will slowly take all normal light bulbs off the market for good. By the time people realize that fluorescent light bulbs are bad news, it will be too late.
A convenient repercussion of this “going green” conspiracy is the fact that when every household in America has switched to fluorescent light bulbs and the government has officially ceased production of regular light bulbs, people will go ahead to their last resort- they will never turn on any of the lights in their house again. Faced with the choice of having fluorescent lights or no light at all, they will choose the latter. Others won’t be able to adjust so easily, and will probably end up committing suicide or moving to another country.
Having no light bulb-energy generated from any household across America will save the government a bundle of cash, the original goal. And the people who didn’t survive the transition or moved to Canada just mean less money spent in the long run.
You’ve been warned.
Image: http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q131/hockeygirl1252/compact-fluorescent-bulb.jpg
It’s a commonly known fact that fluorescent lighting is the least flattering for anyone’s face. (Unless of course you’re Michael Jackson under a blacklight.) Underneath a fluorescent light bulb, the beautiful become hideous, and the hideous become… more hideous. Here’s where the conspiracy comes in. By advertising and recommending these fluorescent light bulbs, it’s quite obvious that the government wants everyone in the United States to loathe themselves. And once you cease to love yourself that only leaves room for one person… Jesus.
Once all typical light bulbs are replaced with the imposters, and all of the people are distracted watching Barack Obama turn water into wine and spend tons of money that doesn’t even exist, the government will slowly take all normal light bulbs off the market for good. By the time people realize that fluorescent light bulbs are bad news, it will be too late.
A convenient repercussion of this “going green” conspiracy is the fact that when every household in America has switched to fluorescent light bulbs and the government has officially ceased production of regular light bulbs, people will go ahead to their last resort- they will never turn on any of the lights in their house again. Faced with the choice of having fluorescent lights or no light at all, they will choose the latter. Others won’t be able to adjust so easily, and will probably end up committing suicide or moving to another country.
Having no light bulb-energy generated from any household across America will save the government a bundle of cash, the original goal. And the people who didn’t survive the transition or moved to Canada just mean less money spent in the long run.
You’ve been warned.
Image: http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q131/hockeygirl1252/compact-fluorescent-bulb.jpg
You even site your images (I should probably do that that). I think you're safe with the bulb pic, though. 10
ReplyDeleteI love this! It's not what I was expecting but this is so much better! Must agree there really is a conspiracy going on with going green... it's and epidemic for crying out loud.
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